Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
