Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
