you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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