He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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