I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
