How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
