He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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