I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
