The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
