bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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