I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
