then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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