She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
