my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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