Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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