I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
