mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
