At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
