Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
