Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
