Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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