I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
