I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
