I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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