Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I need a beard to bite.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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