I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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