We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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