woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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