You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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