I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
