I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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