I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
