Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
