oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
