my phone needs a breathalizer
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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