U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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