Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
