but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize