im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
