i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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