You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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