just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
