I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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