Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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