My room smells like vodka and shame
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
