Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
