It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
