AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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