Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
