I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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