she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
