he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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