My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
