dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
