Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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