Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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