Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
