he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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