you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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