Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
